Sunday, September 14, 2014

Dear Bryson

Dear Bryson,
You aren’t born yet, but you’re already the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know every mom probably says that to their babies, but every mom isn’t me. You, little girl, are my catalyst. You are the reason that my life is beginning all over again. I’m a blessed person whether or not I always recognize my blessings. My husband is HOT…and he loves me. He’s a good provider, and I know that he will provide for you, too.  My mother is so supportive and has worked herself tirelessly to raise me and to make sure that I have had everything that I’ve ever needed and wanted. My husband’s parents have helped us to get our life together started as well. I’ve been so successful in my schooling and my career that I’ve made sure I provide for myself also. This all changed with you, Bryson. I’ve been so concerned with myself and how to take care of me, but suddenly, I’m not the one who needs taking care of. It’s you. You, little baby, not even born. You are the center of my universe, and you are the reason for the biggest changes and blessings that I have ever received.
I am such a dreamer. Your daddy is, too. We talk so big about our dreams and plans and everything that we will do…someday.  There is so much we want for ourselves, and since you entered the scenario, it’s you that we want it for, and we will get it by default.  The thing is, before you, we didn’t do anything to get to those dreams and plans. We’re not lazy, but we’re comfortable. We make plenty of money; we have a nice house, wonderful parents, 2 awesome dogs, and each other. We don’t HAVE to move forward. We can comfortably spend the rest of our lives at the level we are at if we want to. But we DON’T want to stay here forever. The dreams and plans nag at us and we keep saying someday. If we just keep working, it will happen…someday.
What we haven’t done is take a leap towards someday. Correction- You, Bryson, were our first leap. We talked about children…someday. It’s hard to believe that two Christmases ago, in 2012, your daddy and I stood in front of our Christmas tree and our hearts were suddenly opened. We realized that our comfortable existence full of our fun things was still not complete. We didn’t have you yet. We didn’t have anyone to share our life with.  The first change to make was family.
We took our time with letting you show up. It always seems like we make a decision and then step back and wait for it to happen. We have to stage it right. In September 2013, yes, 9 months later, I conceived after only 2 months of actually being without any type of birth control. I lost our first baby 7 weeks later. I have never in my life had a more insane month than the month of our first baby. A baby wasn’t a reality for me, it was a dream that somehow I hadn’t expected would actually come true. I hadn’t grasped the enormity of the potential situation. When I learned I was pregnant, I couldn’t believe the emotions I was having. It wasn’t happiness or elation. I was terrified. I took this terror, and it turned to anger. I was so scared that we had made a mistake in disturbing our comfortable, satisfied life. I was angry that suddenly, everything was totally out of my control. I really thought we had made a mistake.  
What I have learned now, though, is that change HURTS. Change is rough. Change is not, and will not be, an easy thing. The day I started bleeding I fell to the floor and begged God not to take that baby from me. I sobbed and prayed like I’ve never done before which at that moment was insane since I hadn’t even tried to become attached to that baby because I was so scared that we had made a mistake in trying to change what we had. It was in that moment when change hit me again, that I saw how good and perfect change could be.  
That change hurt emotionally and physically. I have never felt that kind of pain before, and I hope to never feel it again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I am thankful in a strange way that it happened.  I learned the value of life. I learned what it means to be a mother. If a mother is not scared when she finds out she’s pregnant, I can’t understand how. The responsibility of growing a new life is almost suffocating.  Pregnancy is a change that no matter how much you think or pray or research, you can’t really be ready until it happens to you.  It took another 9 months before I conceived again.
April 2014. I had begun to think that I had disturbed something in the cosmos with my first pregnancy reaction. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t conceiving. I know that it takes a while, but I was so eager to try again and to not fail. I felt like I was so ready and that readiness was making me impatient. I wanted to prove that I can do this whole ‘mommy’ thing and do it well. I started my period and was just devastated.  We took our annual trip to Bryson City, NC and I found peace in those mountains the way I do every time I visit. I talked with God that whole trip and let go of my stress and worry about pregnancy. As we kayaked down the Nantahala River in what might have been the most dangerous and potentially stupid situation I’ve ever been in (I’ll have to tell you about that someday! ☺),  I laid it all out on the table with Him that it was in His hands. I would not longer worry and I would just let it be and let it happen when He felt we were ready. I conceived you, Bryson, later that month. I found out I was pregnant on May 2, 2014.

Here we are in September again, one year almost to the day since the first baby and my life has changed so much. I love this change. My body, my soul, my mind and my marriage, but I truly can’t think of a better change that could happen. I am so thankful every time I feel your tiny arms and legs moving inside me. I am amazed daily that you are there, growing, and developing and each day getting so close to being here with us in our comfortable, satisfied life. I love you so much, little girl. So much that I don’t recognize myself sometimes when I think about where I am today and where I was a year ago. Change is terrifying, but such a good, good thing. I am so thankful, Bryson, that you have come into our lives to help us start changing in other ways, working towards our someday plans. I can’t think of a better way to start our someday than with you.

No comments:

Post a Comment