Good morning world!
I am about to begin finishing the lesson plans that I didn't finish yesterday. We went through the 7 habits of highly effective people training at my work, but it hasn't sunk in well enough for me yet. I would love to be more effective! It's not happening quickly, though. Here I go!

Good Morning!
The baby crazy has worn off a little bit...If not worn off, it has at least subsided. I do know now that at least I want to get started. The reality keeps me taking the birth control pills, though. We can't afford it just yet. I doubt we will make any more money in a year than we do now, but perhaps Husband's business will take off. He gave an estimate yesterday, and he makes me so proud. I hope he is ruthless to strangers haha. We sure try and make friends happy. I am almost getting whelmed with work again, but it is only because I am being lazy. I got up early this morning to do some work, but somehow the time flew right on past... I have to go get in the shower now. I don't pray often, but I need to start again. Today I pray that I will treat everyone I encounter the way I want to be treated. I believe strongly in that statement and sometimes my arrogance gets in the way. Today I must be kind. What kind of test does that mean is headed my way?!

WAIT

I have done some thinking since yesterday... Not really a lot of time to give a heavy amount of consideration, but I did get an answer. The word WAIT kept appearing in my mind. I don't really pray. I have always felt really strange to just think/speak to someone I have never seen. I have a hard time with the intangible. I do really believe in God, but we are not on a level of comfortable relationship. I have never let myself get to that point. I think it's almost a relationship fear, but also laziness on my part. I don't remember to keep praying, I don't like to get up and go to church. I think God helped me yesterday to realize I need to wait just a little longer before really letting myself try and become pregnant.

There are many reasons why it would be inconvenient to be pregnant right now. I know I probably won't get pregnant quickly, but the timing needs to be right. I would feel more right about the situation if it was the right time. My mom made a mention that the person I am supposed to bring into this world hasn't come along yet. That's got to be the truth. If this was the time for me to quit taking the pills and see what happens, I would feel better about it. I definitely want to go for it now. I have reached that point- but what I haven't reached is the right time. There is a special baby that I am supposed to create with my husband and it is not time for it yet. However, there is the possibility that they have already slipped past! I am going to try to think positively.

At Christmastime when husband and I got misty-eyed over our empty Christmas tree, I said that I wanted to get pregnant NEXT Christmas, which would be December 2013. Right after I said that, I realized that seemed like a long time to wait. That is now 10 months from now. I wouldn't start even trying until 10 months from now? I need to start trying before then, but not this month.

I need to finish out the school year and be able to make some clear plans in case the pregnancy happens. I also know that time is ticking and I need to get started because there is a large possibility that I will have trouble conceiving. God put the word WAIT into my mind with the side note of, "but not too long". I feel that I should stop taking birth control pills at the end of my May pack. I should start the process over the summer. That's really only 3 months from now. I would wait, but not too long.

Now, where do I start planning? My favorite thing in the world is to plan!!! Pay off school credit card, pay off truck, buy new vehicle, finish bedrooms, get living room furniture, finish bathrooms, create kitchen pantry. ...Whew, there is a lot to be done. This is perfect. I can't wait...but I am going to, but not too long! There is a lot that I have to do in a short amount of time :)

Uncertainty

My heart has been a little uncertain lately. Mostly because it keeps having conversations with my brain and that usually leads to indecision. I have so much fear in my heart that keeps being fed by my brain. However, I am more and more certain every day of what I feel. I want to start a family.

My brain reminds me of how much I love the way my life is now. I love my job. I love the freedom I have to work and plan and enjoy. I love going to school and spending money on acquiring new knowledge so that I can make more money in the job that I love. I love my husband so much. I love the freedom to just be encased in each other. I love not having anyone to worry about except the two of us. I love my puppy who brings such joy to our lives. I love being young and enjoying extravagance.

It all started at Christmas. Our beautiful tree with nothing under it. It made me see that this life I love so much, this life that is seemingly, overflowingly full, is still not yet full. We have a missing piece.

But the fear! The uncertainty. I have lived so long being against the idea of having a baby. I have felt for so long that I don't want the life of a "mommy". I am still not sure that I want my life to change. But I can't shake the feelings in my heart. I want my life to be full of the things that are important. Is work important? Is money important? How can I shift the way I think to match the way that I feel? Am I being selfish?

I sit and type this realizing that I have so much more that I need to be doing, but I am tired of holding this thoughts and feelings in. I am scared to have this very real conversation. I feel like we have talked and joked about it, but it is getting so real in my heart. Should it be real in life? What does he really think deep in his heart?

I think it is fear of change that is really holding me back from embracing my feelings and moving forward. I want to stop taking my birth control pills. I want to let nature take its course. What if I do get pregnant? What if I don't? I think that is what I am most scared of. I want to begin my family because there is nothing in this world that I really want more than LOVE. There are so many THINGS that I love. But what I want, and need, and dream of is a LOVE that is so strong that there is not a THING that could break it.

Fear again- What if a baby is not the love I'm looking for? What if we are just fine the way we are now and I mess everything up and lose the love I already have. I love our evenings spent in relaxation. I love our nights spent reveling in the feelings we can share together. How much would a baby change that? No more wild and crazy love? No more long conversations and laughter in the basement?  I just wonder if that is true. Why can't I know what the future will hold? I am SCARED. So SCARED and I don't want to be.

Does the fact that this scares the hell out of me mean that I shouldn't be having these feelings. I am so tired of uncertainty and fear. Do I pray? Do I cry?

 How can I find clarity in what is in all actuality the simplest of all actions we do in this life?
Give and Receive LOVE.

Reality calls and I must return. Give me clarity.