My heart has been a little uncertain lately. Mostly because it keeps having conversations with my brain and that usually leads to indecision. I have so much fear in my heart that keeps being fed by my brain. However, I am more and more certain every day of what I feel. I want to start a family.
My brain reminds me of how much I love the way my life is now. I love my job. I love the freedom I have to work and plan and enjoy. I love going to school and spending money on acquiring new knowledge so that I can make more money in the job that I love. I love my husband so much. I love the freedom to just be encased in each other. I love not having anyone to worry about except the two of us. I love my puppy who brings such joy to our lives. I love being young and enjoying extravagance.
It all started at Christmas. Our beautiful tree with nothing under it. It made me see that this life I love so much, this life that is seemingly, overflowingly full, is still not yet full. We have a missing piece.
But the fear! The uncertainty. I have lived so long being against the idea of having a baby. I have felt for so long that I don't want the life of a "mommy". I am still not sure that I want my life to change. But I can't shake the feelings in my heart. I want my life to be full of the things that are important. Is work important? Is money important? How can I shift the way I think to match the way that I feel? Am I being selfish?
I sit and type this realizing that I have so much more that I need to be doing, but I am tired of holding this thoughts and feelings in. I am scared to have this very real conversation. I feel like we have talked and joked about it, but it is getting so real in my heart. Should it be real in life? What does he really think deep in his heart?
I think it is fear of change that is really holding me back from embracing my feelings and moving forward. I want to stop taking my birth control pills. I want to let nature take its course. What if I do get pregnant? What if I don't? I think that is what I am most scared of. I want to begin my family because there is nothing in this world that I really want more than LOVE. There are so many THINGS that I love. But what I want, and need, and dream of is a LOVE that is so strong that there is not a THING that could break it.
Fear again- What if a baby is not the love I'm looking for? What if we are just fine the way we are now and I mess everything up and lose the love I already have. I love our evenings spent in relaxation. I love our nights spent reveling in the feelings we can share together. How much would a baby change that? No more wild and crazy love? No more long conversations and laughter in the basement? I just wonder if that is true. Why can't I know what the future will hold? I am SCARED. So SCARED and I don't want to be.
Does the fact that this scares the hell out of me mean that I shouldn't be having these feelings. I am so tired of uncertainty and fear. Do I pray? Do I cry?
How can I find clarity in what is in all actuality the simplest of all actions we do in this life?
Give and Receive LOVE.
Reality calls and I must return. Give me clarity.