I have done some thinking since yesterday... Not really a lot of time to give a heavy amount of consideration, but I did get an answer. The word WAIT kept appearing in my mind. I don't really pray. I have always felt really strange to just think/speak to someone I have never seen. I have a hard time with the intangible. I do really believe in God, but we are not on a level of comfortable relationship. I have never let myself get to that point. I think it's almost a relationship fear, but also laziness on my part. I don't remember to keep praying, I don't like to get up and go to church. I think God helped me yesterday to realize I need to wait just a little longer before really letting myself try and become pregnant.
There are many reasons why it would be inconvenient to be pregnant right now. I know I probably won't get pregnant quickly, but the timing needs to be right. I would feel more right about the situation if it was the right time. My mom made a mention that the person I am supposed to bring into this world hasn't come along yet. That's got to be the truth. If this was the time for me to quit taking the pills and see what happens, I would feel better about it. I definitely want to go for it now. I have reached that point- but what I haven't reached is the right time. There is a special baby that I am supposed to create with my husband and it is not time for it yet. However, there is the possibility that they have already slipped past! I am going to try to think positively.
At Christmastime when husband and I got misty-eyed over our empty Christmas tree, I said that I wanted to get pregnant NEXT Christmas, which would be December 2013. Right after I said that, I realized that seemed like a long time to wait. That is now 10 months from now. I wouldn't start even trying until 10 months from now? I need to start trying before then, but not this month.
I need to finish out the school year and be able to make some clear plans in case the pregnancy happens. I also know that time is ticking and I need to get started because there is a large possibility that I will have trouble conceiving. God put the word WAIT into my mind with the side note of, "but not too long". I feel that I should stop taking birth control pills at the end of my May pack. I should start the process over the summer. That's really only 3 months from now. I would wait, but not too long.
Now, where do I start planning? My favorite thing in the world is to plan!!! Pay off school credit card, pay off truck, buy new vehicle, finish bedrooms, get living room furniture, finish bathrooms, create kitchen pantry. ...Whew, there is a lot to be done. This is perfect. I can't wait...but I am going to, but not too long! There is a lot that I have to do in a short amount of time :)