Working things out

It's official. I want a family. I am just as mercurial about things as Anastasia, but I know what I want and I want to go after it. I know that the decision to have a baby is the right decision because it is natural and wonderful. It is what I am made to do. If I have a true purpose, what is more basic than building a family. I am excited about the idea of beginning to think about conceiving a baby. I know now that I want it, my husband wants it, our family wants it. It feels right. However, mercurial tendencies dominate. So...when?

I feel 90% sure I shouldn't stop the pills this month. I picked up my next pack today. I have the 7 placebo pills left in my current pack and then i will start the new pack next Sunday the 7th. If I take that full pack, I will run out  and my first day to not take a pill would be May 5th.  I am excited to stop taking the pills. I have been taking them for 10 years. It all started over a bad period, but with the side effects being no-pregnancy, I just continued taking them...indefinitely. The last 2 1/2 years that we have been married, we have been very NO KIDS. I have taken the pills very strictly and seriously. Now, I am glad to begin getting it out of my system. I am anxious to see how it will affect my system. I am pretty certain that I have endometriosis that my pills keep in check. I haven't had the surgery to check, but my Dr. thinks that is unnecessary unless we are unable to conceive. With endometriosis, it's likely to be difficult. My mom had a very hard time becoming pregnant. I am afraid of this being the case for us. My pills have kept the endometriosis down, but without them, it may act up making it hard to conceive. The best cure for endometriosis is a pregnancy. The only thing to make it stop is to stop ovulating-- which I haven't really been doing for the last 10 years on pills. I am afraid stuff is screwed up, more screwed up by pills, and then will not work correctly. It seems like we need to get this show on the road, just in case there happen to be some road blocks along the way.

If I take one more pack of pills, it will start my first "normal" cycle day on May 5th. According to my ovulation calculator, I would be good to go May 10th - 15th. After 10 years of pills, I highly doubt that I would become pregnant a week later. If I did, it would be because that's the baby God wants us to raise. Most everything that I have read says that it will take a couple months for things to return to normal. WebMD says that some women can conceive quickly, and that would be fine...definitely earlier than preferred, but unlikely enough that would be a good date to quit pills. I might be regularizing out by June and another cycle. The next ovulation days would be---if things go immediately normal (DOUBTFUL)----June 9-14. This is good because I would be unlikely to become pregnant during those dates because we will be in England. Well, we actually might be doing a lot in prep for England because we will be with family -- no good alone time from the 11th-22nd. We would just need to be careful, maybe. Remembering that probably not a regular cycle yet. Also, not ideal because I do not want to be pregnant on that trip.  I am dying to go to Amsterdam and party down--- a celebration before focusing on baby, and just ultimate EuroTrip!! I can't do that if I am preggo already. That is a selfish thing and if God sees me pregnant before then, its God's timing and not mine. I will take it as part of the plan...

BUT REALLY -- Here's getting to what would be ideal.
Pills stopped- return to normalcy begin:
May 5th  FD: 10-15 = Feb Baby
June FD: 9-14  = March Baby
July FD: 9-14 = April Baby
August FD: 8-13 = May Baby
Begin recording temperature each morning--plotting for next cycle: Happy Anniversary!
SEPTEMBER FD 7-12 = JUNE 3rd Baby!!!
    Why yes, I would be pregnant all year, but I wouldn't have to miss hardly any school with maternity leave. I can save all my days up or take off the last couple wasteful weeks of school- HOOORAY!!
This is maybe doable. That is best-case-scenario 4 complete cycles. I have to continue to pray that the endometriosis will not be a problem and that by May- September my system will have straightened out.

I just read on a blog that there are quite a few people who got pregnant within a 1-3 month time frame... I guess we will see beginning in June!

Moving forward

I used to read a book series when I was in elementary school about a girl named Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry.  I really identified with Anastasia. She didn't quite fit it, but wasn't a misfit. She was smart, quirky, not really pretty, liked, but not really popular. She had ups and downs and a crazy family.  She had a style that was uniquely her own, but she wanted to be accepted. It was a fire that though kept dim, never quite went out. That dim fire was her strength, and when she needed it, she could make it burn.  Through her different trials, however trivial they were (she was only fourth grader), she analyzed each situation, sought advice from others, but in the end determined her way of handling the problem. She may have not always chosen the easiest, most efficient, or even smartest decision, but she didn't let herself be swayed from who she was.

I still identify with her because I do not want to be told what to do, but I don't quite always fit the description. I want to find my own way, but I have to fight very hard not to be swayed. I have a much deeper desire to be accepted. I am much more afraid of the consequences of an incorrect decision. The problem with this is that my fire threatens to burn me and not my problems.  I get so swept up in all that I do, think, want and the myriad details that make up each of those. I lose sight of what it was I was going to do, think or want. I see too narrowly though I dream so big. I have everything I need except for the things I need the most. I can't narrow my focus enough to do one task to my full ability.  I want to make everything perfect instead of the way that I truly feel it needs to be. I want to please everyone with myself at the bottom...but sometimes on that quest I end up hurting those involved more than I would have if I hadn't tried so hard.

I have really come a long way. I still can't make a decision easily because nothing terrifies me more than choosing the wrong path. My life really is on track. I have lots of residual negative feelings from my life before marriage. I can't quite manage being 100% part of two families. I abandoned my role as daughter and sister in exchange for wife. I must say that despite an enormous amount of guilt, I know that the direction my life is supposed to be going right now is in the direction of wife...and mother. It is time for me to do what I want and think. I want a real family. We are going to do this. It may be slow, but we will make it happen.

Good morning world!
I am about to begin finishing the lesson plans that I didn't finish yesterday. We went through the 7 habits of highly effective people training at my work, but it hasn't sunk in well enough for me yet. I would love to be more effective! It's not happening quickly, though. Here I go!

Good Morning!
The baby crazy has worn off a little bit...If not worn off, it has at least subsided. I do know now that at least I want to get started. The reality keeps me taking the birth control pills, though. We can't afford it just yet. I doubt we will make any more money in a year than we do now, but perhaps Husband's business will take off. He gave an estimate yesterday, and he makes me so proud. I hope he is ruthless to strangers haha. We sure try and make friends happy. I am almost getting whelmed with work again, but it is only because I am being lazy. I got up early this morning to do some work, but somehow the time flew right on past... I have to go get in the shower now. I don't pray often, but I need to start again. Today I pray that I will treat everyone I encounter the way I want to be treated. I believe strongly in that statement and sometimes my arrogance gets in the way. Today I must be kind. What kind of test does that mean is headed my way?!

WAIT

I have done some thinking since yesterday... Not really a lot of time to give a heavy amount of consideration, but I did get an answer. The word WAIT kept appearing in my mind. I don't really pray. I have always felt really strange to just think/speak to someone I have never seen. I have a hard time with the intangible. I do really believe in God, but we are not on a level of comfortable relationship. I have never let myself get to that point. I think it's almost a relationship fear, but also laziness on my part. I don't remember to keep praying, I don't like to get up and go to church. I think God helped me yesterday to realize I need to wait just a little longer before really letting myself try and become pregnant.

There are many reasons why it would be inconvenient to be pregnant right now. I know I probably won't get pregnant quickly, but the timing needs to be right. I would feel more right about the situation if it was the right time. My mom made a mention that the person I am supposed to bring into this world hasn't come along yet. That's got to be the truth. If this was the time for me to quit taking the pills and see what happens, I would feel better about it. I definitely want to go for it now. I have reached that point- but what I haven't reached is the right time. There is a special baby that I am supposed to create with my husband and it is not time for it yet. However, there is the possibility that they have already slipped past! I am going to try to think positively.

At Christmastime when husband and I got misty-eyed over our empty Christmas tree, I said that I wanted to get pregnant NEXT Christmas, which would be December 2013. Right after I said that, I realized that seemed like a long time to wait. That is now 10 months from now. I wouldn't start even trying until 10 months from now? I need to start trying before then, but not this month.

I need to finish out the school year and be able to make some clear plans in case the pregnancy happens. I also know that time is ticking and I need to get started because there is a large possibility that I will have trouble conceiving. God put the word WAIT into my mind with the side note of, "but not too long". I feel that I should stop taking birth control pills at the end of my May pack. I should start the process over the summer. That's really only 3 months from now. I would wait, but not too long.

Now, where do I start planning? My favorite thing in the world is to plan!!! Pay off school credit card, pay off truck, buy new vehicle, finish bedrooms, get living room furniture, finish bathrooms, create kitchen pantry. ...Whew, there is a lot to be done. This is perfect. I can't wait...but I am going to, but not too long! There is a lot that I have to do in a short amount of time :)

Uncertainty

My heart has been a little uncertain lately. Mostly because it keeps having conversations with my brain and that usually leads to indecision. I have so much fear in my heart that keeps being fed by my brain. However, I am more and more certain every day of what I feel. I want to start a family.

My brain reminds me of how much I love the way my life is now. I love my job. I love the freedom I have to work and plan and enjoy. I love going to school and spending money on acquiring new knowledge so that I can make more money in the job that I love. I love my husband so much. I love the freedom to just be encased in each other. I love not having anyone to worry about except the two of us. I love my puppy who brings such joy to our lives. I love being young and enjoying extravagance.

It all started at Christmas. Our beautiful tree with nothing under it. It made me see that this life I love so much, this life that is seemingly, overflowingly full, is still not yet full. We have a missing piece.

But the fear! The uncertainty. I have lived so long being against the idea of having a baby. I have felt for so long that I don't want the life of a "mommy". I am still not sure that I want my life to change. But I can't shake the feelings in my heart. I want my life to be full of the things that are important. Is work important? Is money important? How can I shift the way I think to match the way that I feel? Am I being selfish?

I sit and type this realizing that I have so much more that I need to be doing, but I am tired of holding this thoughts and feelings in. I am scared to have this very real conversation. I feel like we have talked and joked about it, but it is getting so real in my heart. Should it be real in life? What does he really think deep in his heart?

I think it is fear of change that is really holding me back from embracing my feelings and moving forward. I want to stop taking my birth control pills. I want to let nature take its course. What if I do get pregnant? What if I don't? I think that is what I am most scared of. I want to begin my family because there is nothing in this world that I really want more than LOVE. There are so many THINGS that I love. But what I want, and need, and dream of is a LOVE that is so strong that there is not a THING that could break it.

Fear again- What if a baby is not the love I'm looking for? What if we are just fine the way we are now and I mess everything up and lose the love I already have. I love our evenings spent in relaxation. I love our nights spent reveling in the feelings we can share together. How much would a baby change that? No more wild and crazy love? No more long conversations and laughter in the basement?  I just wonder if that is true. Why can't I know what the future will hold? I am SCARED. So SCARED and I don't want to be.

Does the fact that this scares the hell out of me mean that I shouldn't be having these feelings. I am so tired of uncertainty and fear. Do I pray? Do I cry?

 How can I find clarity in what is in all actuality the simplest of all actions we do in this life?
Give and Receive LOVE.

Reality calls and I must return. Give me clarity.