Sunday, March 24, 2013

Moving forward

I used to read a book series when I was in elementary school about a girl named Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry.  I really identified with Anastasia. She didn't quite fit it, but wasn't a misfit. She was smart, quirky, not really pretty, liked, but not really popular. She had ups and downs and a crazy family.  She had a style that was uniquely her own, but she wanted to be accepted. It was a fire that though kept dim, never quite went out. That dim fire was her strength, and when she needed it, she could make it burn.  Through her different trials, however trivial they were (she was only fourth grader), she analyzed each situation, sought advice from others, but in the end determined her way of handling the problem. She may have not always chosen the easiest, most efficient, or even smartest decision, but she didn't let herself be swayed from who she was.

I still identify with her because I do not want to be told what to do, but I don't quite always fit the description. I want to find my own way, but I have to fight very hard not to be swayed. I have a much deeper desire to be accepted. I am much more afraid of the consequences of an incorrect decision. The problem with this is that my fire threatens to burn me and not my problems.  I get so swept up in all that I do, think, want and the myriad details that make up each of those. I lose sight of what it was I was going to do, think or want. I see too narrowly though I dream so big. I have everything I need except for the things I need the most. I can't narrow my focus enough to do one task to my full ability.  I want to make everything perfect instead of the way that I truly feel it needs to be. I want to please everyone with myself at the bottom...but sometimes on that quest I end up hurting those involved more than I would have if I hadn't tried so hard.

I have really come a long way. I still can't make a decision easily because nothing terrifies me more than choosing the wrong path. My life really is on track. I have lots of residual negative feelings from my life before marriage. I can't quite manage being 100% part of two families. I abandoned my role as daughter and sister in exchange for wife. I must say that despite an enormous amount of guilt, I know that the direction my life is supposed to be going right now is in the direction of wife...and mother. It is time for me to do what I want and think. I want a real family. We are going to do this. It may be slow, but we will make it happen.

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