Sunday, September 21, 2014

Beautifully out of control

I was just thinking about pregnancy. How can anyone experiencing their first pregnancy not?! It seems to have totally consumed my life. That’s what I was most scared of, I think, when it all began. However, now my thoughts which are all consumed are not of fear of the loss of control. I had a realization earlier about it all. The beautiful thing about pregnancy is that we are so blissfully out of control. How amazing is it that from the common occurrence of the union of a man and a woman, a brand new person is what emerges later into the world. Thousands of people have sex every day without conceiving a child. Some for their whole lifetimes are never given the blessing.  My husband and I probably had sex a thousand times or more without ever conceiving a child, but just one egg and one sperm, totally microscopic, and totally random join. Once they meet, motherhood is a spectator sport until that child is born. We just sit back and watch our bodies perform a miracle. It is not a comfortable miracle by any means, but what doesn’t come with some sort of price?

However, it’s not random. It only seems that way. They join without us telling them when or which ones. We have no control at all past the love that we share together. All that we have to do is love- each other, and then later the child we are given. The control is that somewhere in God’s plan he has chosen the child for us to raise and nurture.

I love that God takes the reins on this one. I love knowing that stepping back and trusting in him will produce me the greatest blessing of my life. I am so thankful that I am part of the larger plan. When I first found out we were having a girl, I was disappointed. I really was wanting a boy because they just seemed so much easier and more fun. (I’m not a ‘girly’ girl by any means!)  I’m terrified of girls. I know exactly what they’re like and OH MY GOSH! What a lot of work. But God believed that my husband and I need to raise a girl as our oldest and first. How incredibly special?! The idea that I thought I couldn’t handle and wouldn't be good at is what God actually chose for me. How out of control is that?

I love watching my body grow, knowing that all I have to do is stay healthy and God provides the rest. Thank You for that. My love just overflows all the time here recently. I am so thankful that I have been able to live my groovelove life through faith in him. Trusting that everything will be all right is the way to get through the fear and the pressure I felt at the beginning. This is a huge task, but I’m not alone. I’m not in control, but I don’t need to be.

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